"i'm the creation, You're the Creator, i am imperfect, You're the Redeemer, i'm filled with questions, You are the Answer, i am a sinner, You are my Savior. You are the One for me. and i belong to You. for the record i'm a full-time failure, You know me better than i know myself." -Mandi Mapes, "You're the one for me"

Friday, March 4, 2011


I've packed. I've prepared. Organized, googled, done everything I can think of to prepare for this trip, because I am a preparer. I like plans and organization, lists and deadlines. 

This week has none of that. Oh we might have our schedules, here's what we are doing today, and I like to tell myself that our leader knows what he is doing, but of that I'm not entirely sure (still believe in you Matt). 

But that's OK. maybe not to me right now, but it is ok. 

I see a therapist (long story I'll tell another time). But i was telling her all the things that scared me about this trip, the biggest one being not knowing. the unknown scares me more than anything else. I'm worried our car will break down in the middle of nowhere, that we get lost, and that i get detained by Guatemalan people at the airport (i've actually thought alot about being stuck at the Guatemalan airport by security. very scary to me). I've googled directions to see how we'd get from the airport to our location - which i don't even really know. 

There are so many things that I want to know, and i can't. i don't need to. I don't have to know how to get from the Guatemalan airport to Antigua. I'm not driving. If our van breaks down, i don't know mechanics, can't do anything. detained by police? don't cry and use  the iPhone to communicate. my therapist even brought up the situation if we are working and someone chops their leg off. i said i'd throw up and then stop the bleeding. 

i think about this alot. and, because all of life is one big plan, life scares me. 

i sit and think about getting older. not like turning 21, but turning 40. 50. what will that be like for me? the more i think about these things, the scarier it gets to me. that i'm actually alive and don't have to be, that i will get married and have children, that my children will have children. eek. but i can't plan for these things. my plans have changed so much even over the past year. i came to college ready to be an econ major and get my MBA. not so much anymore as i know think i may be a guidance counselor. but it works better this way, because i am at one of the best schools in the nation for child development and counseling, without planning it. 

so I hope this week I realize that God will move without my plans, inspite of my plans, and in my plans. I hope to see that God has a much greater plan than I could ever think of, or dream of. 

There are so many times I say I wish I could know the whole picture, but if you think about it, knowing the whole picture could be even scarier than seeing only glimpses. If you really knew all that God wanted and planned for your life, or my life, I may be even more likely to run in the opposite direction than just seeing glimpses.  The little light I see is all I will need, because it is all I can handle I think. 

So here's to a week of uncertainty, unknown, but God. 

Glory to God.

1 comment:

  1. Precious SIster--- God WILL move this week, you can count on that. It WILL be His plan that will prevail (Psalm 33) and while I know you love control...its good to learn that maybe you don't want THAT much control. God is the only thing that is purely good and that IS great news!!! I love you sweet girl. Praying for you.