"i'm the creation, You're the Creator, i am imperfect, You're the Redeemer, i'm filled with questions, You are the Answer, i am a sinner, You are my Savior. You are the One for me. and i belong to You. for the record i'm a full-time failure, You know me better than i know myself." -Mandi Mapes, "You're the one for me"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

And I thought Mondays were bad. . .

Today so far has run the gambit. It started incredibly boring, like reading blogs and drinking coffee in my cubicle at work. My work situations are both super chill, so as long as I do my work [which I do, because I really love it] I have a little leeway to take mini breaks.

Then I got invited to a lunch meeting with our director, sponsorship director and the woman who manages the website. [That sounds super legit. basically i ate lunch with the other two people who work full time at my job and the free lance super cool web designer]

Lunch. was. awesome. I learned so so much about social media marketing, websites, and non profit work in general. I love being able to soak all that knowledge in, ask all the questions. It also didn't hurt that the website designer made a comment about how great I was during the lunch meeting, and my sponsorship director affirmed that. [Words of Affirmation are totally my love language]

I loved getting built up like that. I, of course, play it off super chill but on the inside I'm screaming. I'm such a people pleasing person, getting told how great I am is great, maybe more so than for other people.

And then we got back.

I had made a survey about some stuff and had it automatically sent out while I was at lunch. I returned to my office to multiple emails about people having problems. After trying one solution to fix the problem, I was still getting emails that people couldn't open the survey. and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I asked everyone at the office, and was ready to cry honestly. I was holding back a few tears in my cubicle.

I said goodbye to my boss, letting her know I was having issues with it, but going to work on it and headed out to my car. I called my mom, as I usually do, and chatted with her about the problem.

At one point I could hear her laughing a little about the situation and one of the email responses I had gotten that was honestly a little snarky. In the middle of her laugh, I started to cry. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I told my mom I wasn't sure why I was crying - but I know.

As fast as I had been lifted up at lunch, less than an hour later I was knocked down again. I hate failing and letting people down, and this was a moment of that. I looked like the "idiot intern" as I told my mom.

So now as I sit in this Starbucks waiting to go to babysitting [where the annoying boy teenagers aren't necessarily helping my mood] I just keep thinking about why it bothers me so much that I messed up. It was a mistake, obviously not something I intended to happen, and my boss wasn't bothered by it. It wasn't hurting anyone except for people getting multiple emails.

It bothered me because I looked bad. I don't necessarily have any other spiritual lightbulbs other than it shouldn't bother me that much. I looked bad. I'm pretty sure I probably look bad every day. It does matter how the Lord looks through me, and my response to the afternoon wasn't super great.

Thankfully the Grace of the Lord covers Tuesday just as much as Monday just as much as Wednesday, so I can finish today and start tomorrow with a better more loving and gracefilled attitude.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

dared to trust

Sunday night watching some FRIENDS. [Olympic commercial just came on. I cannot wait.]

I'm an intern at a pretty snazzy church - Cross Point. I work in the Children's ministry, which means the times I go to service can be pretty sporadic. Thankfully they have podcasts, so I can keep up, but tonight I actually got to go to the service.

The speaker tonight was Al Andrews. Al is doing some pretty great things through Improbable Philanthropy, but I loved his sermon tonight as well. Al talked about how God imagines some pretty crazy things that we wouldn't dream of. What really stuck out to me though was how God always chooses the least "right" person for a job. Needs someone to slay a giant - pick the tiny shepherd. Needs someone to talk to Pharoah about "letting people go" - pick the shy guy with the stutter. None of these make sense for logical earthly reasons.

Al  used Romans 4:17 in his sermon, which I've copied here in The Message, because I really liked the wording [I don't normally use the Message for everyday readings, just specific wording]

Abraham was first named "father" and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. 

My favorite part is "he dared to trust God to do what only God could do"

Isn't that why God picks the least probable people. When you pick the good speaker or the strongest man, it becomes about that person, not about the Lord. I think throughout history God has picked the most improbable people in order to give Himself all the glory. When you suck at something, it becomes a lot easier to give God glory for all He did. It's easier to see Him working in you when it only could have been done through Him.

This isn't to say its easier to stay humble. If the Lord is working in your life - things will probably begin to change for you. You could become more well known, impressive or even famous to some people. It's going to happen to most people. Obviously, David thought pretty highly of himself at times - even so much as to kill a guy to see his wife more.  It's always going to be a struggle to let the Lord use you for His glory, and nothing else.

It's also going to be difficult to let the Lord go there. During the sermon I was thinking about my dreams. My BIG dream - you know - the one that is probably super crazy and a little scary. And I don't think I know what mine is. I think I'm scared to ask God what it is. I think it will scare me to have that thought in my head of what I hope the Lord uses me for, what I feel my talents are for. But Abraham has to trust in the Lord - dare to trust - and his faithfulness to do what He has promised. Whatever big or scary or ridiculous at times. Pretty sure if God told Esther growing up that she would marry the King and then save her people, she wouldn't have ever left her house. That's scary knowing all the Lord wants to use you for.

While its probably going to be one of the hardest things we do, can we all agree to hold each other accountable and give the glory to the Lord, no matter where He takes us, and dare to trust in the Lord for where he places us?

Friday, July 20, 2012


In my blog meanderings, I noticed the #SheReadsTruth community. You should go to the website to read the whole story, but short version is a few women who wanted to be more intentional about getting into the Word (such a SCL saying) turned into thousands of women reading the Word together.

such a God-thing, as my "friends" Christy and Katie would say.

The Lord has been teaching me so much through this community.

First, this is the first time I've been more intentional about reading the Word. While it still may not happen every day, I'm learning alot more grace about the whole situation. I'm an incredibly legalistic person, thanks to my Type-A personality, and have to work to appreciate the grace and love of the Lord. I know that sounds silly - having to work to feel the love and grace of Christ, but its true. I have to fight my legalistic rule following tendencies. I used to do many things just to check off a list - go to church every Sunday, even serve and going on mission trips.

Now I see so much more about the relationship available. Since I've never been in a dating relationship, I liken this relationship to the one I have with my mom. I talk to my mom nearly every day. Things may be alright if I go one or two days without talking to her, but after a week I yearn for it. I've been asking the Lord to replicate this in my relationship with Him. Asking him to give me that yearning, that desire. He has begun to give me that, but has also shown me that the more I am with Him every day, whether through reading his Word or prayer, the more I will yearn for that. Every relationship begins with extreme excitement, but I have to continure spending time with a person to want to spend more.

I am so thankful for the obedience the #SheReadsTruth community has shown in creating this community after following the Lord's prompting. This community has really brought me closer to the Lord in a more meaningful way. It's not that camp high I remember so well. It's a slow fire, just keeps burning a little brighter and a little stronger each day.

I hope you enjoy the #SheReadsTruth community and reading the other moments women share.

[Bonus Points for you if you got the Christy Miller, Katie Weldon reference. We can be besties already].

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The One with the Story.

I've seen things recently about writers writing. "You should do it everyday" "Writers always have homework." I've never considered myself a "writer" [but golly, I do like quotation marks]. I enjoy to write - I've always been a visual person, so writing my feelings and thoughts and reading others thoughts and opinions is how I absorb the world around me. I take it all in and process it through my words.

Recently though, I've felt like there are too many other people out there who can do this better. They majored in communications or journalism, took classes on different writing styles and how to find your voice. or just quite bluntly, they have a better story to tell. better ideas to share. just better.

but then, after some thinking, i realized I was right. they are better then me. but they aren't better than the LORD. The LORD has given me my story. Placed me in certain situations, with certain people, and has given me a love for writing. so why can't I tell the story the LORD has given me?

I recently read an e-book, Be Quiet and Say Something, by Jessi Connolly of Naptime Diaries [don't forget, I read mom blogs as if I'm a mom]. But in this litte book, she talks about how we all have influence. We all have people in our lives who are there to hear our story, and the same goes the opposite I think. I need to hear other people's story.

For an internship, I took the StrengthsFinder test. My top five strengths were: [be prepared to completely understand me as a person]

  • Learner (I like to learn, duh)
  • Belief (certain core values)
  • Input (i archive random facts and knowledge)
  • Intellectual (I like to sit and think)
  • Context (look at the world and people in context)
It's the last one that I think has the most relevance to people's stories. I understand people so much better when I hear about who they are and where they come from. I get a sense for their passions, their mistakes, and what brought them here today. But I've also learned people aren't going to share their story (usually) without some sort of encouragment - usually in the form of another story. 

That's what I hope to start doing better. Share my story as I see it. as I live it. as the LORD writes it.  


PS. After I wrote this, I was looking around at my blog [because its been a while, lets be honest] and noticed both in my top heading and my about me, I talk about a story. Glad I'm getting back to my roots.