"i'm the creation, You're the Creator, i am imperfect, You're the Redeemer, i'm filled with questions, You are the Answer, i am a sinner, You are my Savior. You are the One for me. and i belong to You. for the record i'm a full-time failure, You know me better than i know myself." -Mandi Mapes, "You're the one for me"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

And I thought Mondays were bad. . .

Today so far has run the gambit. It started incredibly boring, like reading blogs and drinking coffee in my cubicle at work. My work situations are both super chill, so as long as I do my work [which I do, because I really love it] I have a little leeway to take mini breaks.

Then I got invited to a lunch meeting with our director, sponsorship director and the woman who manages the website. [That sounds super legit. basically i ate lunch with the other two people who work full time at my job and the free lance super cool web designer]

Lunch. was. awesome. I learned so so much about social media marketing, websites, and non profit work in general. I love being able to soak all that knowledge in, ask all the questions. It also didn't hurt that the website designer made a comment about how great I was during the lunch meeting, and my sponsorship director affirmed that. [Words of Affirmation are totally my love language]

I loved getting built up like that. I, of course, play it off super chill but on the inside I'm screaming. I'm such a people pleasing person, getting told how great I am is great, maybe more so than for other people.

And then we got back.

I had made a survey about some stuff and had it automatically sent out while I was at lunch. I returned to my office to multiple emails about people having problems. After trying one solution to fix the problem, I was still getting emails that people couldn't open the survey. and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I asked everyone at the office, and was ready to cry honestly. I was holding back a few tears in my cubicle.

I said goodbye to my boss, letting her know I was having issues with it, but going to work on it and headed out to my car. I called my mom, as I usually do, and chatted with her about the problem.

At one point I could hear her laughing a little about the situation and one of the email responses I had gotten that was honestly a little snarky. In the middle of her laugh, I started to cry. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I told my mom I wasn't sure why I was crying - but I know.

As fast as I had been lifted up at lunch, less than an hour later I was knocked down again. I hate failing and letting people down, and this was a moment of that. I looked like the "idiot intern" as I told my mom.

So now as I sit in this Starbucks waiting to go to babysitting [where the annoying boy teenagers aren't necessarily helping my mood] I just keep thinking about why it bothers me so much that I messed up. It was a mistake, obviously not something I intended to happen, and my boss wasn't bothered by it. It wasn't hurting anyone except for people getting multiple emails.

It bothered me because I looked bad. I don't necessarily have any other spiritual lightbulbs other than it shouldn't bother me that much. I looked bad. I'm pretty sure I probably look bad every day. It does matter how the Lord looks through me, and my response to the afternoon wasn't super great.

Thankfully the Grace of the Lord covers Tuesday just as much as Monday just as much as Wednesday, so I can finish today and start tomorrow with a better more loving and gracefilled attitude.

1 comment:

  1. I get this! I get it, I get it, I get it! Because I've just been doing the same thing and I do get it but I don't... they whole, why I've been crying thing.
    When I suggest going overseas to complete 4 weeks of uni, because I'd like the experience, the answer is no from my parents... because they're not comfortable with it. And it was too last minute {there were 3 days until the applications were due - and there was no guarantee I'd get in}. And were not consistent with my goals and it was a waste of money. They might not have meant it, but considering they've said the same about the last 3 things I asked them about {visiting friends 3hrs away, not continuing with my studies, and doing Bible college in Colorado}, it seems I'm lousy at dreaming and ideas. And I don't know what to do with that. Apparently God and I have our lines mixed up and I really really really need a quiet day to sit and try to listen... and maybe get something that is accurate.
    Then this morning. I got an email from my boss asking me just to change something pretty minor about the way I was doing something - she had a concern about it posing a risk. Bearing in mind, I wasn't aware it was an issue and it hadn't come up before...
    I suppose my problem is I can't read people's minds. At least, I seem to think it is a problem! It shouldn't be; I don't really want to be able to do such a thing. But when they suggest that something else should be done... I'm happy to comply but feel terrible that I couldn't innovate and know that and just do it for them.
    *sigh* And so another day in the life of a human being. It's 10pm Thursday for me... I know {hope...} {PRAY!} that my Friday is a million times better. And that your new day is full of mercies anew.
    <3 Rachael